At Last, My Heart Has Found Peace! (The Way of Peace and Salvation)
By Uchimura Kanzo
Last Attempt, A Pastor’s Way of Life
Having failed to find peace of heart in the charitable line of work I had chosen for myself, I could not avoid taking extreme measures to find what I was so desperately longing for.
I decided to commit my life to the ministry. Although there are many hypocritical and shameless people in the world, could there really be someone worse than a pastor?
Actually, in the past, many people advised me to study theology, but I did not wish to become a pastor. Their idea of a pastor and my idea of a pastor was not the same. I wanted to become a pastor who is like the apostle Paul. I wanted to become someone like Martin Luther. Many times, someone who has never even engaged in a thorough Bible study, who lacks sufficient experience in spiritual matters, who does not know what the experience of being freed from sin and remorse is all about, and who does not understand what being born again, as mentioned in the Bible, means, has been allowed to graduate from theology school, and for just this reason, seeing such a person becoming a pastor and standing behind the pulpit to preach, I cherished feelings of disgust towards the pastor’s profession.
But now I was about to offer my last sacrifice by becoming a pastor, believing all the while that if I was to suffer to the utmost degree while doing my duty as a pastor, God would finally grant me peace of heart and soul, which I so longed for. I thought that if it meant that my soul could at last find peace, I would most gladly become a pastor. So while attending theology school, I endeavored to find supreme peace and happiness by fasting and by spending much time in prayer.
My Great Disappointment at Theology School
The subjects I learned at my theology school were a great help as far as my way of thinking is concerned. Especially, as I studied the Greek and Hebrew languages, I felt as though I was personally conversing with Moses and Paul. It would have been good if my theological studies were limited to what would really benefit me in my quest for Biblical knowledge, but, sadly, the earnest study of the Scriptures was practically neglected; instead, the subjects that would develop the skills essential to soul-winning were extensively taught, including the study of eloquence, homiletics, pastoral studies, and apologetic studies. I had no choice but to spend a lot of time studying these required subjects. I wanted to study subjects that Moses and Paul had studied and learned, but my school did not give me any choice in the matter. As expected, theology school could not give me the peace of heart that I was longing for.
Our daily morning worship and the seemingly unending sound of hymns being sung could not break and rid my heart of the chains of sin.
Studying the Bible, praying, and the singing of hymns were just additional requirements that I was obligated to fulfill in my theological studies, and because they were simply perceived as being part of my scholastic duties, these activities lost their sacred force and power and did not move me as they should.
In addition, during lectures such as the ones heard in comparative religion class, the sacred name that should not be spoken without a sense of reverential fear was mentioned as if it was just the name of some old rock or a piece of wood. Hence, the very danger that I experienced while attending theology school was the danger of the sin of blasphemy.
The natural consequence of profaning what is to be held sacred is sin does not seem as sinful as it should appear, and as a result, instead of experiencing the power of God’s holy Word to heal and to free from the bondage of sin, His Word is thought of as just another book, just another doctrine, to study.
I had originally entered theology school to find relief from the anguish of sin; however, some of my theology professors tried to enforce the belief on me that even while continuing in sin, you can still be saved. Upon discovering the door that leads to everlasting destruction and ruin while attending theology school, I sank deeper into a state of despair and hopelessness.
The core of one’s religion must be found in the heart. Evangelism is not a skill; it is a state of mind. A pastor’s sermon is not an actor’s play. Someone who has not received heaven’s call, who does not possess heavenly vision and inspiration, and who has not tasted of Christ’s pure love can become a theology student, nonetheless. Making the way for such students to become ministers of the gospel is the blind spot of many modern day theology schools. Sermons are not things you can manufacture. Christ’s Word and the apostle Paul’s writings cannot simply be understood by grammatical analysis and dissection. It is only when we become like Paul that we are able to comprehend his thoughts and experiences.
We must remember that a pastor’s training is directly undertaken by God Himself and that is not a work accomplished by theology schools, and for this very reason, we find honorable, respectable religious teachers who have not had formal training in any of this world’s theological institutions.
God’s messenger Elijah was simply a countryman from the land of Gilead, and the one chosen to take his place and carry out his work was Elisha, the son of Shaphat, a farmer. Moreover, as a part of God’s great plan of redemption, when He sent His only begotten Son to save the world, Jesus did not receive an elite education under the great teachers of His day such as Hillel and Gamaliel, but God placed Him in the countryside at a place called Nazareth and personally taught Him through the works of nature. The pastors who are trained by theological institutions are the very ones who prove to be the most dangerous enemies of Christ’s church.
The False Peace Created By Pastors and Theologians
The one who does not understand the sinfulness of sin cannot comprehend the meaning of grace. The one who does not understand the dreadfulness of sin cannot feel his desperate need of God’s grace. Even though they may speak about the grace of God, these kinds of people cannot feel sincerely grateful in their hearts. The most dangerous teaching that has crept into modern Christianity is the teaching that sin is the inevitable byproduct of our lives. There are many theologians and pastors who teach it, and they are trying to solve the problem of sin by elevating their belief that we cannot possibly overcome sin. These men preach that the law of God is too holy for us to keep.
Therefore, those who accept their theology think that even though they break God’s law they are not sinning, and they do not feel any sense of guilt in breaking God’s law. Thus, the sinner does not earnestly seek after the atoning blood and grace of Jesus Christ. A sinner who has committed sin is supposed to be suppressed by guilt so that he is led to the God of love for pardon; this very concept is God’s plan of redemption. But theologians devised a new theology that people may have peace of heart while still in sin and created a sense of false security for those who are supposed to return to God. A sinner who has committed sin must feel his guilt. Only those who did not commit sin or have repented can be free from guilt. We cannot make sin disappear merely by ignoring it or by making God’s law void. Instead, that kind of practice makes sin appear sinless and grace meaningless.
A Misunderstanding That I Understood – The Way to Become Free From Sin
What is sin? Being angry and stealing are definite sins. But why do they become angry and steal? Why do they not do the good which they desire and do the evil which they do not desire? Are fornication, filthiness, debauchery, idolatry, making enemies, jealousy, and drunkenness evils? Or are these behaviors only symptoms of the sin disease in our hearts? After many agonizing struggles, I decided to stop fighting against each single sinful behavior because such efforts would avail nothing in overcoming sin or in freeing me from sin. Showing charity with the motive of being benefited or of procuring fame is not true charity. Likewise, preaching the gospel is not necessarily good. There is not a more obscene person in the world than a secular, ambitious pastor. Goodness is spirit, not behavior, because good behavior is only an outcome of a good spirit. The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:3, “And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.” Once a rich young ruler came to Christ and asked, “Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” Christ’s answer to this question contains the essence of the belief of Christianity. “There is none good but one, that is, God.” To the question of what is good Christ answered, “God is good.” Goodness itself is God. Without knowing God, we cannot become righteous. The more we learn about goodness, the closer we get to God. Therefore, we cannot do good without knowing Him. We cannot separate moral behaviors from religion and faith. If goodness is God, evidently evil is departing from God. Stealing, murder, and adultery are the results of departing from God, not the basic reasons of sin. Therefore, when I sin against the law of God, it is because I departed from God in my heart. When I am with God, and God is with me, I am not able to sin and sin cannot control me. So if I return to God with all my heart, I can become righteous. This is the only way to become free from sin and to find peace of heart!
The Difference Between Knowing and Believing
Faith is not believing something that is unbelievable. Faith is also not believing something that is unreasonable. Faith has to do with making righteous choices based on the convictions of our consciences and the word of God. Christianity states that faith is not simply an intellectual agreement but an entire agreement of heart and mind. And the work of the heart and mind is using the conscience and will power to make decisions. Therefore, in order to judge the rightness of one’s faith, all we must do is see whether or not the person’s conscience makes morally sound choices. There is a big difference between knowing the truth and believing the truth. Knowing is simply an intellectual agreement while believing has to do with living according to your convictions. Even immoral and intemperate pastors preach that only those who believe and obey the truth can become a victor in the end, but how many pastors really believe and live according to what he preaches?
My Misunderstanding
The relationship that exists between God and us is not like the relationship that exists between a king and his subordinates. It is like the relationship between a tender mother and a newborn baby. The baby only receives everything from his mother, but he does not and cannot give anything back in return. Even our faith and trust in God are themselves gifts given to us by God when we realize how much he loves and cares about us. Even though we may say that we will give our souls, bodies, and wealth to God, we are simply returning the things that we received from God. God is the giver, man is always a receiver. We do not possess love in and of ourselves, but God Himself is the source of love and is love. Therefore, those who want to love God must first behold the love of God until His love is engraved in their own hearts.
That is right! I have believed God. I have known of His goodness. And I have before made the decision to live a righteous and good life. I knew His love to a certain extent, but I did not know the love of God to the point where I can trust Him with all my heart. Just as those who do not rightly comprehend their parents’ love may leave them and become prodigal children or may continue to live with their parents and grow up obeying their parents while harboring grudges in their hearts, Christians who do not fully understand the love of God cannot and do not trust God in all the different aspects of their lives. Before my soul was saved, I pretended to live a holy life. I thought I could obtain God’s favor through my good deeds. Through my righteous deeds, I thought to become friends with God and to later make a covenant with God to ensure my salvation.
I am a creature, yet I tried to imitate the Creator. Being a child of God, I acted as if I was a copartner with Him in creating the universe.
Ah! How foolish was I! Even though the God of eternal love came to me with His offer of love and grace, I retorted, “Why don’t you pay attention to me? Why don’t you love me?” In my past life, I have waited many times for God to recognize my righteous conduct and reward me. Concerning His infinite love, the only thing that I can do is to submit and to entrust myself entirely to His hands. My error was that I did not completely open my heart to fully receive His love. I’ve always said, “How can a sinner like me receive such infinite love?” I thought, “I must clean myself first before I can go to God.” But how can I possibly clean my own self? Who can cleanse me from sin except God? Can a child who has fallen into a muddy puddle of water as a result of letting go of his mother’s hand, not return to his mother until he has washed himself? A loving mother would rather chastise her child for hesitating to come to her sooner, clean him, and change his clothes. Moreover, how would a God of love deal with us? Many Christians who say they believe in God continue to ask for an evidence of the forgiveness of their sins through the manifestation of God’s power and visible miracles, but this very act is a denial of God’s written word that our sins are indeed forgiven.
The Way of Transformation Through the Cross
“Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved” (Acts 4:12). Only Christ has the power to save. The strict, immaculate Pharisee from Tarsus, who girded, as it were, God’s law about his body, even the Apostle Paul in order to be liberated from the turmoil that ravished his heart, had to repent and receive forgiveness at the foot of the cross, esteeming his own talents and knowledge as being but dung; only then did he obtain peace of heart.
There was a young man in Germany who due to the workings of the Holy Spirit experienced many struggles in his heart, and he finally decided to enter the monastery to earn righteousness. However, the more he tried to adorn his outward behavior and appearance, the more relentlessly did evil thoughts surface in his heart. During this time, he was inspired by a statement made by his teacher Staupitz, “The just shall live by faith.” God forgave Luther’s transgression, and the whole universe delivered him from his forsaken state. Afterward, Luther became a mighty reformer, emphasizing the message of faith and holiness; however, today the descendants of Luther has distorted his definition of faith and has made faith synonymous to an insurance card that allows us to sin without fear. Consequently, many pastors today preach that if you only have faith, you will be saved, no matter what you may do or how you may live your life.
I myself suffered from all the distress, agony, and anguish brought to me by sin, and after having exhausted all of my strength, I then beheld the mercy of God alone and returned home. I did not excuse any of my sins, and I also did not endeavor to disclose any of my righteous deeds or good behavior. I only beheld the redemption which was wrought by the Lamb of God prepared before the foundation of the world. “God the Father, I ask Thee to forgive my unpardonable sins through the merits of the cross of Christ. I possess no goodness in and of myself to offer to You. I do not have any goodness that would allow me to claim that I am righteous. The only thing that I can give to You is a weary body and mind and an awakened heart.” Through this kind of prayer, God’s grace was deeply implanted into my soul. God answered my prayer saying, “Your offering is accepted. Take off your rags and clothe yourself with the robe of righteousness that I have prepared for you.” Now in my prayers, I do not insist my own desires; I only pray that Christ’s will be fulfilled in my life, being filled with gratitude and praise for the grace of God.
Now my sole obligation is waiting for God’s command. My expectation has changed from trying to earn my reward by my own effort and sacrifice to being one of faith and trust in God to fulfill His promise of a glorious reward. I have become able to make immense requests in order to accomplish God’s will upon this earth, and God has blessed me with the best gifts, according to my service and efforts. My anxiety about what to eat and what to wear has vanished, and the opinions that other people have about me seem to be of little importance. And I began to have a deeper appreciation of the following verse, “He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)
I no longer try to do good of mine own self anymore because without the aid of the Holy Spirit all of my good deeds are but an outward form of godliness. In evangelism or in charity, I am now able to carry on my work with a heart full of joy and satisfaction. My life and words have become full of purity and humor, and I am now able to render a more meaningful sacrifice and service to God and for other people. I no longer consider sacrifice, temperance, self-control, and the like as being difficult obligations that I must fulfill; rather, they have become privileges that I can offer to the One who died to save me. After having participated in the salvation brought to me by the cross of Christ, all of my righteous obligations have changed from being a burden to being a joy, and sinning has become a painful task that I can no longer perform. I do good because I love that which is good, and I refrain from evil because I hate evil. The law of God is not a heavy burden to me anymore, and I began to more clearly understand the meaning of the follow verse, “For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments: and His commandments are not grievous” (1 John 5:3).
The work of the Savior divides into two great categories. The first category has to do with teaching humanity how to live a perfect and sinless life, and the second category of Christ’s work involves bearing our sins upon His own body, thus solving the problem of sin. The first category of Christ’s work is the ultimate purpose of salvation, and the second category is the necessary method that leads us to the aforementioned ultimate purpose. In order to lead a sinner to grow up to the full image of Christ, does he not first need to be forgiven of his sins? The Bible declares the truth that unless the sinner truly experiences God’s forgiveness, he can never overcome sin. Nevertheless, the Christian churches of today limit the doctrine of Christ’s atonement by saying that our sins are freely and fully forgiven under all circumstances, making forgiveness appear cheap and meaningless; hence, they are robbing their members of the true sanctification experience.
Those who believe and say, “Christ paid the price for my sins on the cross of Calvary; therefore, I do not need to live a righteous life, and sin does not hinder me from being saved” have not yet understood the grace of Christ’s atonement. “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?” (Romans 6:1, 2). In my case, at first, the law of Moses was uplifted, and later the grace of Christ drew close to me. Those who have never strictly bound themselves about with God’s law, as with a cord, cannot fully comprehend the grace of the cross of Christ. In many modern churches, people are trying to cover their sins and immorality by false doctrines of salvation. When I see how lightly people esteem the grace that was brought to us by the blood of God’s only Son, I become deeply saddened and worried. The redemption of Christ is a resting place for those who desire righteousness; it is not a resting place for the wicked. Pastors who do not teach the solemn commandments of the Old Testament but only softly preach the grace of the New Testament are wolves that are silently killing God’s little lambs.
Now that I have deeply acknowledged my insufficiency and weakness, I can engage in the ministry and charitable pursuits. I will endeavor with all of my heart and might to keep the forgiveness that God has bestowed upon me from crossing the line of His justice and mercy. How can I abandon the grace of the One who delivered me from the dungeon of destruction? Before, I was overwhelmed by His law, but now I am overwhelmed by His tremendous grace. Heaven has given me everything I have ever desired. Immanuel, God with us, because God is with us, is not life worth living, at least once?
I have found the way of peace and salvation. That does not necessarily mean that I am walking on that road all the time. I have merely become aware of such a way. But from this point on, with a heart full of peace and happiness, I have become capable of walking on the path that leads to true peace and salvation.